Tuesday, May 21, 2013

From a cutter, to a cutter

From 5th grade on, everyday at school was a struggle. I was called every nasty name in the book by the boys and the girls. Yeah okay, I was chubby and I carried my weight in funny ways but this didn't give any one a right to treat me like crap. I was called everything from fat to ugly to worthless... And after a while I started to believe it. I didn't believe that anyone cared, and I thought I was worthless. I very vaguely remember how it all began, but it was something like this.  Every single night I would cry, I would cry myself to sleep. All I wanted was one friend, one person to tell me I was good enough. No one ever looked twice at me, no one would have even so much as held a door open for me. I tried everything to numb the pain, but nothing worked. I had over heard some of the girls talking about how she wouldn't eat but when she did, she would cut herself so she didn't want to eat anymore. For some reason this sounded like a great idea to me.. never knowing this was just the beginning of a storm that was never ending.
The cycle only got worse as I entered 7th and 8th grade. And almost every single night I would cut my hips, hoping that this would make them like me, hoping that if I numbed the pain I could be normal. The pain never went away when I cut, it just made it be quiet for a little while. And when shit got worse, so did the cutting. The worst thing that anyone ever told me was that I did it for attention... I didn't tell a soul for two years, it was my dirty secret. All I wanted was to be pretty, that is still all I ever want. Everyday is a struggle and a battle. And everyday...

But now I have to make something out of this, change other people's lives for the better. I need to help other people who are fighting the same battle; remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 
But now, after six full months of being completely cut-free... I can step back and say:
 and god damn, everyday is still a battle but
Now I am just winning.


  1. hope you're still doing well. keep it up.

    1. I am! Thank you! I will be updating this very soon!