Friday, August 16, 2013

When Perfection Enters My World.

Well, to start off there's this one guy. We met and (hooked up and then) went on a few dates. Then he left for travel for a month or so...

We are still talking and things have progressed great so far. But things are no where near as perfect inside my head! Seriously, why can't I just stop worrying? This is my short list of crazy things I think about/fear:

1) He will leave eventually. Every guy does, unless you marry them. This is not likely to happen with anyone I meet this young. I want things to work out with him, more than he will ever even realize. And just like all the other guys, it will be sooner than later. Probably as soon as I let him in fully.

[Here my rant on him goes, heads up ya'll]
Literally, he is PERFECT! His hair is so soft and unique and when he pushes it back I just melt. And his eyes are so filled with passion all the time. You can just tell he sees the world in a completely different way; he sees the world through a filter that is all his own. And when he looks at me, he sees the things that no guy has ever bothered to notice. When he is working all day long, he still wants to call me and talk to me! He cares when I am sad, he wants to hear what is wrong. And when his arms are around me, the entire world melts away. And when I lay there, in his arms, nothing else matters. When I am almost in tears, if I can hear that voice, I am happy. I am not sure why I feel this way about him. I have no idea in fact. And truthfully it scares the shit out of me.
[Back to the other stuff]

2) Once he sees the real me, he will run for the hills... I know I would! With all the shit I have gone through in my life, it is no wonder that I have issues. Between the eating disorder, the depression, anxiety... [etc.] I sometimes don't even like me. And yes, it is getting better. But I still have a long way to go and will never fully be 'cured'. No one ever is. You just learn how to cope.
Fotos da Linha do tempo | via Facebook

3) What if this is all a lie? We have all been there. That one guy that is magically able to see like 4 girls at once. I have no idea how they manage to keep everything straight or even fake emotions like they do, but it is not uncommon. And who knows? This could be that situation. I could be 1 of 4, or even 1 of 10 girls he is talking to. I have no idea! And I hate not knowing this.. It makes me feel so uncertain. I really don't think he would do that, but then again, I said the same thing about the other guys that have screwed me over... I want to be able to know that I am the only one. And no one ever truly knows that, that what trust is for and all of mine has been used up.

4) What does he really want? I don't know if there is much else he could want, I have pretty much given everything up sexually. But hey, I am a good student (for the most part) maybe he wants a tutor.. Wouldn't shock me. Plus he's SO damn hot.. why would he want a nerdy girl like me.

5) He is too good. Back to my rant [which I could keep going on but won't, you're welcome ;) ] I haven't seen ANYTHING that is bad yet! He worries about me and get just the right about of jealousy so I know he cares, but nothing bad! It's kind of starting to freak me out. I want to see a flaw in him, I want to so I don't feel like I am a nut case (which I totally am!)
I just want to know that he is not perfect and that he really wants all of what I have to offer. I want to know that he is real! Perfection is so rare! And even if he is perfect, what does he see in me?! I really like him!

There is nothing more scary then letting someone so perfect enter your world because once they leave your entire life will never be the same. And I want to fall in love with you, Mr. Perfect Man. I am just more terrified than you will ever know. He makes every other guy turn to dust. Erik is everything I want, but everything I am too scared and insecure to get. Erik is perfection.

When I Find the Missing Piece

This is for every guy that promises that he will be there, and every guy that promises he will never leave:
First off, you do. You always leave. I don't know what it is but for some reason, guys run the other direction when they start to really get to know me. And this is ALWAYS the reason:
'You're a great girl and all but.. I'm just not ready for that kind of relationship  right now, sorry.'
And they amount of times I have heard that exact thing, would shock you. Honestly, it is ridiculous. And all you're telling me is:
'Sorry, you're not worth giving up anything'

When I hear this, all I really hear is you are not worth it. And after hearing this so many times,  I start to believe it. And I know, logically, that this isn't true. But the inner voice comes out and tells me that I'm worthless.
Second, and this one may seem obvious, but its only after they have gotten what they want. That could be help with math or sex, but not once, has any guy ever told me this right away. And why would they? I am after all, somewhat at their disposal. This isn't what I want anymore. This isn't what I deserve.

But because of what happened, I will never be able to be confident enough to take back my dignity from these men. I just have no idea how to. The main reason I even talk to them is to help myself get the missing piece back.

And I don't know what the missing piece is and I don't know what I am even looking for.

What I do know is I will know when I find it. 

Friday, June 7, 2013

Am I Really Happy? I think I am.

I don't even really know what being happy is. I mean I remember times where I was happier than others but I cannot remember a specific point in time where I was ever truly care-free and happy with my life. I wonder sometimes if that point in time even exists. If so, it was so long ago I cannot remember. And there are times where I am happy but it never really seems to be the real deal. Like everyone always talks about.

And even though I can see this and understand this, I cannot really feel this.
So even when I am in the worst mood ever, I chose to smile. It is always easier to smile through the pain. Because maybe, just maybe, you will start to feel happy again.

And you can always control and make the choice to be happy and healthy. Those are the things that NO ONE can take from you.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

i am stuck.

I cannot even express what it is like to get rejected. I just want to be loved and love someone. I am so sick of everyone being the same. They only like me when they don't know the real me... the second they see the real me they are gone. I am so fucked up still, I just hide it perfectly. All I want is to find someone who doesn't run away once they see the real me. I am so lonely still, so damn lonely. I know some people care but not enough to help, to see what is really going on. No one sees how much I hate myself. Behind the mask I wear, I am the same. I just want to be happy but, I can't.

No matter how hard I try I am a mess. And who wants a mess? I am stuck like this. I don't think that I will ever be happy. I am stuck hating myself for ever. I need to respect, love and cherish myself but instead I just am fucked up. I am so fucked up.

And no matter what, I cannot look into the mirror and see anything worth while. I am nothing and I am trapped. I either feel nothing all the time on my meds, or all I feel is sad. There is nothing that anyone can do.

I just want to be happy with everything and instead I am happy with nothing. And no one wants me, why would they?

I really need to be better, at everything. I just want to be normal.

I need to learn how to love myself all over again, I know that too. I know that.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

What Do I Want?

Well to start off, I want the kind of love that can be felt by all. I want to share my life with my best friend, lover and companion.  I want to hold hands when times get tough and just know that no matter what I will always have him to lean on. I want him to understand me when no one else can. I want him to share my love for that which no one else can understand, and I want

I want someone to hold me when I am sad, and know that everything is going to be okay. I want someone there who understands my crazy, my happy and my sad. Someone who is patient, kind and caring. Someone who loves the good, the bad and the ugly in me.

I want someone who will wake me up in the middle of the night and take me to the edge of the middle of no where to show me something intriguing, not because he wants to ask me anything. But just because he wants to share the beauty of our world with me, with the universe.  I need someone who can appreciate the tiny particles that we are made of, and the large unknown matter that consumes the night sky. To be taken to a new place and shown a new world without even leaving, that is love.

I want to die knowing that no matter what, I shared my last moments with the one person that loves everything about me and I love everything in return. I want to die knowing I gave every last bit of love I could have given to the one person that deserved it. And with my last breath of air, I will take the words 'I love you' and bring the deepest meaning into the heart of the one man that means more to me than anyone or anything.

I Still Think About Him Too

Today I got a text from one of my ex things, he was the hottest one. Like he was the one that I never could believe was ever into me. It's funny because he texts me and said how much he missed me. He has this new, super hot, blonde girlfriend who literally is perfect looking. And he still misses me. ME? What is this? Why would someone like him miss me?! He is seriously freakin perfect too. Every single thing we did together was great too. We had that kind of thing that we never even needed to speak to understand each other. I could just look at him and he got it. He is probably one of the only people I can truly say gets ME, the real me.

And he gets that look, I never even have to udder a word! He makes me feel special and loved. But then Dylan comes to mind. He really has me. Like really.
 this is my life.

So right now I'm gonna just...
and see where everything takes me.

and  I only really want the best for me, and Dylan and everyone else. I should go to my ex-thing but I don't know, Dylan just has this hold on me.

Monday, May 27, 2013

If anyone wants to talk...

I have gone through a lot, and I mean a lot! (I don't know if anyone even reads this blog..)
If you want to talk to me about anything, email me at: 
I will reply to you, promise!