Thursday, May 30, 2013

i am stuck.

I cannot even express what it is like to get rejected. I just want to be loved and love someone. I am so sick of everyone being the same. They only like me when they don't know the real me... the second they see the real me they are gone. I am so fucked up still, I just hide it perfectly. All I want is to find someone who doesn't run away once they see the real me. I am so lonely still, so damn lonely. I know some people care but not enough to help, to see what is really going on. No one sees how much I hate myself. Behind the mask I wear, I am the same. I just want to be happy but, I can't.

No matter how hard I try I am a mess. And who wants a mess? I am stuck like this. I don't think that I will ever be happy. I am stuck hating myself for ever. I need to respect, love and cherish myself but instead I just am fucked up. I am so fucked up.

And no matter what, I cannot look into the mirror and see anything worth while. I am nothing and I am trapped. I either feel nothing all the time on my meds, or all I feel is sad. There is nothing that anyone can do.

I just want to be happy with everything and instead I am happy with nothing. And no one wants me, why would they?

I really need to be better, at everything. I just want to be normal.

I need to learn how to love myself all over again, I know that too. I know that.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

What Do I Want?

Well to start off, I want the kind of love that can be felt by all. I want to share my life with my best friend, lover and companion.  I want to hold hands when times get tough and just know that no matter what I will always have him to lean on. I want him to understand me when no one else can. I want him to share my love for that which no one else can understand, and I want

I want someone to hold me when I am sad, and know that everything is going to be okay. I want someone there who understands my crazy, my happy and my sad. Someone who is patient, kind and caring. Someone who loves the good, the bad and the ugly in me.

I want someone who will wake me up in the middle of the night and take me to the edge of the middle of no where to show me something intriguing, not because he wants to ask me anything. But just because he wants to share the beauty of our world with me, with the universe.  I need someone who can appreciate the tiny particles that we are made of, and the large unknown matter that consumes the night sky. To be taken to a new place and shown a new world without even leaving, that is love.

I want to die knowing that no matter what, I shared my last moments with the one person that loves everything about me and I love everything in return. I want to die knowing I gave every last bit of love I could have given to the one person that deserved it. And with my last breath of air, I will take the words 'I love you' and bring the deepest meaning into the heart of the one man that means more to me than anyone or anything.

I Still Think About Him Too

Today I got a text from one of my ex things, he was the hottest one. Like he was the one that I never could believe was ever into me. It's funny because he texts me and said how much he missed me. He has this new, super hot, blonde girlfriend who literally is perfect looking. And he still misses me. ME? What is this? Why would someone like him miss me?! He is seriously freakin perfect too. Every single thing we did together was great too. We had that kind of thing that we never even needed to speak to understand each other. I could just look at him and he got it. He is probably one of the only people I can truly say gets ME, the real me.

And he gets that look, I never even have to udder a word! He makes me feel special and loved. But then Dylan comes to mind. He really has me. Like really.
 this is my life.

So right now I'm gonna just...
and see where everything takes me.

and  I only really want the best for me, and Dylan and everyone else. I should go to my ex-thing but I don't know, Dylan just has this hold on me.

Monday, May 27, 2013

If anyone wants to talk...

I have gone through a lot, and I mean a lot! (I don't know if anyone even reads this blog..)
If you want to talk to me about anything, email me at: 
I will reply to you, promise! 

That One Moment.

You know that one moment in time when you are looking at your phone, just debating to call someone. That happens all the time to me... I just sit there staring at his name, debating if I should dial his number. It is like every time  I think I miss him, I try to call and I am always disappointed. I miss what we used to be,  I miss who he used to be. He gave me butterflies and was one of the only people that could do that. And that one day, that one day we met...

I want to go back in the moment, that we were drinking coffee and I looked into your eyes

That moment, I just keep reliving. Holding you.

He is still the only one I want, no matter what.
And he tried to fix himself by breaking my heart.
And really I was fine, 

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Why Can't I Stop Thinking?

I always think way too much. It makes life so much more complicated! I seriously don't understand it, sometimes I don't even understand myself.
But as much as I would love to stop worrying, I can't. I just want to make everyone happy, even if that means putting myself last.
I can't stop thinking about Dylan again.
and I wish I could say I never fell for you and  I wish I could say I don't care but I do!!! I really, really do!
no matter what.

I miss you and think about him everyday, I just wanna stop caring about him like he stopped caring about me. I wanna say fuck it and walk away, but I can NOT! Whenever I try, shit just gets messy.

This next quote is me. everything.

Why does this always happen!? I miss you.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

People From The Past

Isn't it weird how people that you may have met years ago can come back into your life and just completely change it.... The world is kind of funny that way. I met this guy about two years ago and he was much older than I and much more settled in his life. To many people that could be intimidating but to me it was intriguing! He really was sooo unique and very respectful. I really felt him as a person. Just the vibe he gave off the night we met, so special. In the middle of a bar, at one in the morning, we found a corner area and talked for a while, just chatted and stuff. We exchanged numbers and that was it.

Sometimes I think soul mates can be friends, family or lovers... And this makes him one of many soul mates I may be fortunate enough to meet.

Here and there we would text or call just to say hi and keep in touch, it was laid back. He never truly left my mind just was put to the back so I could focus on other things. He lived on the other side of the country, which made it difficult to keep in contact, but we always managed to make it work. I can honestly say he is a really good friend. But this time around, he and I met again.
This time it was different, within the second I saw him there was more of a connection than ever. I really can see the person he is and I care for that person immensely!  

I just went on the nicest date I have ever been on, I really wish that he was closer and I could fall for him because there is something about his soul that is so beautiful, it should not be passed. It must be returned. His smile and eyes speak the words that my heart and my mind are constantly conflicted and twisted in. And when I see him, word no longer come to me.  Just emotion is left, and everyday I can see him, or speak to him that emotion grows.

I am not saying that I am in love by any means, I am just expressing the confusion of me right now....

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

He Took It All

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of about 7 months and was leaning on any and all friends I had. I realize that I am VERY difficult to be friends with because of the issues that I come with. And (because he still scares me, I will call him Peter, NOT HIS REAL NAME) Peter was one of the closest guy friends I still had. I worked with Peter for months before, during and after my relationship. He knew pretty much everything about it and me. He was a quiet guy, pretty good in school and never really seemed bothered by much.
But...and Peter was no exception.
We started hooking up before and after work about 2 months after my break-up. It helped me to forget about my ex. I really never enjoyed it all that much, I guess just knowing I could make someone happy, anyone happy, was enough. He made me promise I wouldn't tell a soul. And that was fine with me at first, but one day I felt it coming to the surface. I asked him if I could tell my best friend at the time, his response was kind of scary.
He responded by saying "no, and if you tell anyone, I will tell everyone you are a crazy psycho and  you are obsessed with me and making it up, no one will believe you." This was the moment I knew that I would never hook-up with him again.  I went a few weeks without hanging out with him or anything, but he was one of my only close friends and my depression was getting bad again, so I caved. I called him and asked him to hang out. He came over and the plan was to make a pizza and watch a movie, just hang out. But that was not at all what happened.
He came over and we went into the basement to watch tv and talk. About a half-hour later, we started making out. I started to get a little uncomfortable. I stopped kissing and looked up at him. I told him I didn't want to hook up anymore.
He just sat there, looking down on me, with no expression.
After a few seconds, that lasted more than a lifetime. He laughed a tiny bit and began to pull down my pants. I asked him what he was doing, and he just said that he knew I wanted to. I said I really didn't and started to try and push him away. That was not going well, he was very strong. He pulled down my pants, and his own.

He started by fingering me and all I could say was no. I said it over and over and over again. I probably said it 50 times. Nothing stopped him, not even a hesitation. When that wasn't working, he decided that sex was the way to go. He said he was just going to do it a few times and that I was going to like it, and then he told me not to worry. I said nothing.
I tried to squirt a little bit, but his whole body weight was on me, his hand pressed into my shoulders and held me down. This was not sex.
Sex is supposed to be beautiful and loving. This was hateful and hurtful. This was not filled with love or kindness this was a power struggle filled painful experience. There was nothing I could do.
I turned to the clock the time was 10:38pm, I remember staring at the clock for about ten mins. The pain made me cry, I had tears running down my cheeks and my eyes closed. This was me slipping from the reality of what was happening/ I had to find a place where I could ignore the pain. This was the most painful thing I have ever felt. Every thrust felt like a thousand knifes stabbing me from the inside out.
And when it was over, he stood up. Peter put on his pants and went into the bathroom. I couldn't move, I just laid there. I went numb all over.
He came out of the bathroom and looked at me.
He looked down on me with no expression and said, "Sorry 'bout that."  and walked upstairs and out the door.
I just showered and went to bed, because the next day I had to work with him.

The next day:
I woke up for work and called my best friend, I needed to go to get the morning after pill. I called my best friend at the time, and she said she would go with me to get it. I thanked her. Now at this point, our friendship was already rocky but regardless she said she would go with me. She asked me who it was, I told her it was Peter. She was shocked of course because she was friends with him as well. She asked me if I wanted to, and I froze.
"..... um, yeah" I said, already afraid that I even gave her the name after the warning I received.
That was the end of the conservation before I went into work. Of course I was working with Peter that day. We didn't even make eye contact. The longest 6 hours of my life was spent here, all I wanted to do was run out to my car and cry, but I couldn't.
The second I got off I ran out the door, I looked at my phone....
My heart dropped.
There was a text from Peter.
He was angry I told my friend about this, he told me that she thinks that I am crazy now and that I lied about everything. He told me that he was going to take everything from me and that if I told another soul that he would make sure that everyone knew I was a 'psycho lying bitch'.
Following the 5 pages of threats from Peter was a text from my friend. She told me that she was done and that she was sick of the lies and sick of the crazy. She told me that I needed to go get help and that I was obsessed with Peter.
The rest of my friends followed her lead. They were all gone.

I had no one. No one believed me and I couldn't tell anyone because Peter would take them from me too.

This was the day I lost EVERYTHING. Still, to this day, no one knows Peter's real name. It took me almost a year to tell my family what had happened....

I still see this, feel this everyday. Peter will always scare me, he will always have that power.
PTSD is real, and you are not alone.